


Life As Promised

by teshumai



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: AU, Bonding, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-04
Updated: 2014-05-04
Packaged: 2018-01-21 13:57:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1552910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teshumai/pseuds/teshumai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anze enters into a bond with Dustin when he's fourteen, he doesn't look back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life As Promised

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Gentlest Chains](https://archiveofourown.org/works/822267) by [LadyJanelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyJanelly/pseuds/LadyJanelly). 



> This was written to take place in "the Gentlest Chains" Universe written by LadyJanelly, you should definitely read that if you haven't yet because it's great. And I thank her for letting me play in her sandbox and being so supportive and helpful and just great all round. And a thanks to Kenarik for beta reading, she's wonderful. 
> 
> WARNINGS with spoilers:
> 
> 1)Implication of underage sex which while technically consensual is agreed to under pressure  
> 2)attempted suicide

2002

          This boy is not what Anže was expecting when he agreed to bind himself to an American. He had heard all about the cocky North Americans attempting to buy their way into the NHL with European talent. He didn’t want to be some idiot’s lapdog but his options here were limited. This wasn’t Russia or Finland, this was fucking Slovenia, the national team hadn’t gone anywhere in years. Not that Russia was doing that much better with its best players being stolen out of their cradles, but at least there was a development system, ways you could make it without bonding. Slovenia wasn’t there yet, probably never would be. This might be Anže’s only shot at the NHL and all he had to do was spend one night laying back and thinking of hockey.

          The American, when he finally comes into the bonding room, keeps his eyes averted, glancing at Anže laid out on the bed through his lashes before looking away and blushing again. He’s older than Anže, probably 16 or 17, almost ready for the draft and probably unable to crack it on his own. One of Anže’s teammates last week was talking about how the bond system was fucking up the averages for everyone. Anže briefly wonders if that’s this guy’s story. Maybe he’s one of those guys who would have been good enough if induced bonding didn’t exist but because it does he’s getting screwed. Well not literally, Anže’s the one who’s about to be literally screwed.

Anže waits as he fidgets at the door for what seems like an eternity. Anže is kind of done with this, he doesn’t want to be here, he doesn’t want to do this, but he has to and he’d really like to get it over with already. He gets up, a little dizzy with the bonding agents and weaves his way to the door to start unbuttoning the boy’s shirt, which causes him to jerk back as though startled.

          Anže sighs. “We are doing this or no?”  He asks, his English isn’t great yet but he did pretty well in school and he thinks he got the phrase right.

          “Oh, yeah,” the boy blushes, he accent is different from what Anže is used to, something in there getting drawn out and distorted, but he figures he’ll get used to it. The boy looks away. Anže rolls his eyes and pushes him onto the bed.  He knew he’d have to do most of the work in this relationship, he just hadn’t expected to have to do it here too.

\--

          His American is named Dustin. It’s probably a bad sign that Anže is already thinking of the guy as his American, but there is something endearing about Dustin, who is painful shy and Anže just wants to protect him, despite the fact that Dustin is both older and bigger then Anže is. He isn’t entirely sure if that isn’t just the bond working though.

         Anže’s mother kisses him at the airport and Anže isn’t going to cry, he really isn’t. “You don’t have to do this, come home baby.”

         “It’s a little too late momma,” Anže chokes.

          His mother tightens her grip on his shoulders, “Never, it’s never too late. Promise me, if you’re unhappy you’ll come back, you’ll come home, promise Anže.”

          “Ok, ok I promise.” Anže agrees hunching down to bury his face in his mother’s shoulder one last time.  Something in the back of his mind feels uncomfortable, a sort of slimy embarrassment and Anže doesn’t know why because he isn’t embarrassed or uncomfortable, if he could he would stay like this forever and—oh it’s Dustin. It’s Dustin’s discomfort he’s feeling whispering underneath everything. He pulls back, steps out of his mother arms. He wants the feeling to go away; it feels wrong, cold and clammy under his skin. He doesn’t want to be the cause of Dustin feeling that way; he wants to be good for Dustin. “We have to go, the plane….”

           His mother’s gaze slides past Anže to Dustin and his father a few yard beyond and her lips tighten, but when she looks back at Anže her gaze softens again, “I love you Anže, no matter what.”

           “I love you too, momma,” he reaches to hug her one last time before turning away and joining Dustin and his father at the security gate. He doesn’t look back.

\--

2012

          They get asked about Crosby a lot after the Cup. When LA wasn’t considered a serious contender no one really cared about their bond. A west coast expansion team clinging to playoff spots year after year doesn’t really get a lot of national attention and with baseball and basketball drawing the major crowds they’d sort of fallen below the local radar as well. They got a few questions about being bonded when they started, Crosby was already making waves on the east coast, talking about how horrible it was, but Anže and Dustin were under strict orders not to stir shit up. They were given a neutral line about individual experience and it was made clear if they deviated from that line they’d have to find another club to take them. Reporters quickly got bored with same old answers and in those days Avery was always more than happy to be the center of attention.

          After they swept the Western Conference people started asking again. They get held up as the antithesis to the Crosby rhetoric by those still in favor of unequal bonds, they’re seen as more proof that it works, that it wins cups. They’re one of a continually shrinking number of long term successful asymmetrical bonds left at this point and all the reporters want to know what they think of Crosby’s vocal opposition.

          Anže doesn’t know how to answer the question honestly, now that he has the option. Part of him wants to say “Crosby’s right, I was 14 and Dustin was 17 and neither of us wanted to be there but they told us if we ever wanted to be anything we had no other options.” And he wants to say “he’s wrong, Dustin is my best friend. I just won the Stanley Cup. I might never have gotten here without this and one crappy fuck was totally worth it.” He sticks with the old, “it’s complicated, sometimes it doesn’t work out and sometimes you get lucky. We were very lucky.” He thinks Dustin feels the same, the conflicted yes and no that Anže feels about being bonded. Most of the time the hum under his skin that Anže has learned to associate with Dustin is content, though the questions about their bond laces the generally happiness with something darker, almost angry or bitter, it leaves a bad taste in Anže’s mouth, but he figures it’s just annoyance at the question.

          He injures his shoulder and has to stay home while the team does an Eastern conference circuit early in January. Anže is watching the game against the Pens on the big TV, Cooper sitting on his lap babbling in half English and half Slovene when someone asks Dustin about their bond. It shouldn’t be a surprise, they’re playing against Crosby so of course someone asks. Dustin speaks slowly, carefully like he does when he knows they’re going to be replying a soundbite and he doesn’t want his lisp to be the only thing people hear. “Crosby is right, it’s a terrible thing and I wish I could undo it.” Anže isn’t expecting that to feel like the punch it does. He knows it’s a bad thing that happened to them, but it doesn’t feel like that to Anže, he thought it didn’t feel like that Dustin either. “Anže’s one of the greatest players I’ve ever seen, you should be talking about him with Crosby and Ovechkin.  He should have had that chance, and I took that away from him.”

\--

2022

         The news breaks over the summer, about a week after the Pens are knocked out of the playoffs.  They hold a press conference which is broadcast on ESPN and NBCSN. Neither Dustin nor Anže are actually watching when basketball highlights end and the programming switches over. Dustin and Jake are going over Jake’s algebra assignment and Anže is helping Mackenzie build a diorama for her book report in front of the couch when Malkin’s heavily accented voice starts up, “I am Evgeni Malkin, and this is Sidney Crosby, some of you know us since we played hockey here until very recently,” there’s a pause before he continues, “we’re here today to talk about our bond.” That catches Anže attention. Crosby and Malkin’s bond has been covered over and over, they have never been shy about discussing it. Crosby begins speaking then, “in 2002 I was brought to Russia to negotiate an asymmetrical bond with a promising Russian player. I have spoken at length about that experience, but I’ve never told the whole story of what happened there. Geno and I did not bond that day,” and Crosby begins telling the story of how he refused to bond with Malkin, of hiding their lie, of secret codes, and constant fear. Anže doesn’t know how to react. He thinks he’s supposed to be impressed or awed, but he doesn’t feel it. He doesn’t feel anything.

          “Dad?” Jake’s voice is loud against the still quiet tv. Anže turn back to the look at them, seeking out the feeling of Dustin in the back of his mind. Dustin is hunched over, his face hidden behind his hand and his shoulders shaking. Anže can’t tell if it’s laughter or tears, the part of his mind reserved for Dustin is a swirling mess and he can’t sort it any better than he can his own thoughts. “Dad, are you ok?” Jake tries again, and it’s pretty obvious at this point that the answer is no, but Jake is only fourteen, and he shouldn’t have to find out how fragile adults are yet.

          “Jake, um, can—can you,” Anže starts, stopping when he feels a tug on his arm, and fuck he forgot Mackenzie’s here too. “Jake,” Anže starts again, “can you take Mackenzie to the park? There’s a twenty in my wallet, you know where it is. Get some ice cream or something.”

          “But—“

          “Jake, please.”

          Jake looks like he’s going to argue, but after a moment he nods standing up and grabbing Mackenzie’s hand. He leaves with one last look back. Anže sits down across from Dustin. The kitchen table stretched out between them, the silence is undercut by Crosby’s confession.

\--

2002   

          Anže can’t sleep in his new bed. It’s not the bed that’s the problem really. It’s the time change, the jetlag, and the thrum of anxiety that isn’t his that’s keeping him awake as the digital clock blinks over from one minute to the next. Also he has to pee, which is what eventually drags him out of the bed and into the hall. The light in Dustin’s room is still on when Anže is heading back to his, a thin glow spreading out on the hall carpet. It’s like there’s a string wrapped around him drawing him towards the door, that’s probably the bond which thinks any distance between them is too much, but still it’s not like Anže is sleeping anyways. The door gives easily when Anže pushes, the catch scratching where it wasn’t quite in place. Dustin is sitting at a desk in sweatpants and a threadbare t-shirt with a faded lettering Anže isn’t interested in trying to read with a large book open and a pencil in hand. He blinks when he looks up and it feels like something tied up in Anže’s chest loosens a bit.

        “Hey, what’s up?”

        “You are OK?”

        “Uh, yeah? Why?”

        Anže has to take a moment to dig through his English vocabulary for a way to express the way Dustin feels in his minds. “In my head, you have a feeling it’s like nervous but not so wet hand and heart beat, more like stomach is circling, you understand?”

      “Oh, I uh, I’m stressed I guess. I didn’t know you could feel that.”

      “In my head I am feeling you always. It’s bond. I am supposed to feel you.”

       “Right, I guess I just didn’t realize that meant everything. I’m sorry, I’ll try to block it.”

       “No, do not worry about it. I am ok, just I am feeling it. I mean, the same feeling, but from me.”

       “Hey,” Dustin reaches out and twists their fingers together, “don’t worry, I’ll take care of you.”

        It’s like all the stress, and exhaustion, and homesickness that have been clattering around inside him just  slides away when Dustin touches him, and it’s definitely the touch doing it because Anže can barely focus on the words, just the warmth spreading up his arm and the sledgehammer of reassurance slamming into his mind. He tightens his grip on Dustin when he moves to let go. He doesn’t hear what Dustin says, if he says anything before he pull Anže into a warm hug. Everything settles. The rush of feeling from the first touch ebbs and all that’s left is contented hum of their bond.

          “You can stay in here tonight.”

          “M’k,” Anže nods against Dustin’s shoulder already slipping into sleep.

 

\--

2013

        Anže doesn’t see Dustin for almost a week after the interview. They have 4 more games down the east coast and Anže is stuck in LA nursing his shoulder and the aches of separation. It’s enough time to replay the interview in his head over and over to watch it on youtube and read a million comments on what exactly Dustin meant, what all of it means. Anže wishes he had an answer. He wants to write it off as the lingering insecurities Dustin’s always carried. He can hear Avery’s voice in the comments about not being good enough. He’s never been able to convince him it isn’t true. Anže knows he not the most neutral person the subject, but he’s been around for a long enough to see exactly how far a good partner will actually get you. They wouldn’t be here if Dustin wasn’t good enough.

         Nicole finds him watching Crosby’s response. She sits next him on the couch looking between her hands and the screen, biting her lip in an uncharacteristic display of hesitation. They silently watch Crosby explaining how happy he is that Dustin has come forward, that hopefully other people will follow. He talks about breaking down the walls of silence that allowed the institution to continue for so long. The interview ends and the phone rings. It’s been ringing since Dustin’s interview.

         “God I wished he’d a least warned us,” Nicole sighs as they let the phone ring through to voicemail.

          Anže nods, giving Nicole a weak commiserating smile. He feels bad about it immediately and tries to force a bit more humor into it.

          “Sorry, it must be weird for you.” She tries again, “I mean listening to everyone talking about you and Dustin, like that.”

          Anže nods again, that’s not the only thing that’s making him feel off but it’s not a small part either. Anže had gotten used to the way he and Dustin slip from people’s minds. Now it’s been five days and the phone won’t stop ringing and people are still talking about it. They’re starting to put Anže’s name next to Malkin’s and Datsyuk’s. He’s used to being grouped with Hossa or Frolik, the “natural supports,” no one outside of Dustin has ever really talked about him like he deserves more. Every play he’s made, every goal, every pass, is being re-analyzed with this new perspective. But it’s just another layer to this feeling of uncertainty that’s settled in ever since Dustin started talking.

          “It’s good though, I mean, everyone’s finally recognizing how good you are,” Nicole adds. “I know you guys don’t like the attention, but you really deserve it, it’s good that you’re finally getting it.”

          “I’m not really that good, they’re saying I’m like Datsyuk.” Anže gestures to the screen full of comments debating his exact level of skill.

          “Hey, who’s the best hockey player in this house?” Nicole nudges him.

          “You are.” Anže smiles for real at the familiar question.

          “That’s right, and as the best hockey player in this house I’m telling you, you belong up there, you are that good.”

          Anže lets his shoulders drop, relaxing into the couch and leaning against Nicole, “Thanks Nic.”

          “Anytime, Anj.”

\--

 

2022

          Nicole calls Anže during practice.  Dustin was supposed to pick up Mason after school and never showed. He isn’t at home, he isn’t answering his cell phone, and she’s worried because he’s been weird ever since Crosby’s interview, and has Anže heard from him today. Anže’s first thought is stretch out and try and feel for him, which is stupid since there’s no reason for Dustin to be at the Toyota center these days, but he checks anyways, to no avail. It’s been years since Dustin played, and most of the guys on the team don’t know him, but Anže still asks, but no one’s heard anything. Anže shouldn’t be worrying so much, not yet, he hasn’t even known something might be wrong for ten minutes and his two attempts were both expected to fail. But he can’t quite fight the rising panic, because something is wrong.  Something has been wrong for days, and Anže can’t feel Dustin right now and he doesn’t really know what to do except drive around town hoping to catch a feeling. He’s driving past the Staples Center for the second time when his phone buzzes.

          “You’re still looking for Dustin, right?” Tyler asks, “‘Cause I think I saw his car parked on one of the PCH lookout points up towards Malibu.”

          Anže cut a guy off switching over to the free entrance, “Thanks Tyler.”

          “Do you want me to see if it’s him?”

          “Please.”

          “Of course.” Tyler replies clicking the phone off.

\--

          Tyler is standing in the parking lot when Anže pulls in. “He isn’t talking to me, I don’t know…I can call the police or coast guard or whatever if you want, but I wasn’t, I don’t know if he’s just looking or if he’s actually going to…I didn’t know what you wanted me to do.”

          “It’s ok, I got it. Thanks for making sure nothing happened.”

          “I didn’t—“

          “You’re here, it’s enough. I’ll take care of it.”

          “Ok,” Tyler nodded, but he doesn’t get back in the car or put down his phone.

          Anže takes a breath, opening himself to the torrent of Dustin’s mind, carefully picking his way over the rocky outcropping to reach Dustin standing way too close to the cliffs edge.

          “Dustin? Come back to the road, ok? It’s kind of dangerous this far out.”

          Dustin doesn’t turn around, just stares out across the water, its high tide and the waves are brushing up against the edge of the cliff. “Dustin, please let’s go back.”

          “I always knew it was wrong.” Dustin still doesn’t look back, but it’s a start. It’s acknowledgment which is better than nothing.

          “Dustin?”

          “That’s why I played wing so I would never have to, but everyone made it seem like a bond was the only way, like it was necessary.”

           “I know, let’s talk about it back at the car?”

           “I let them convince me it was ok, that you’d get something out of it too, which is such bullshit, and—and I knew it, but I did it anyways.”

           “Everyone was doing it, it’s not your fault.”

           “There are mornings I can’t look in the mirror, I hate myself so much, but I could always say, Sid did it too.”

           “Dustin, please.”

           “And if Sid is the amazing person, the paragon of virtue everyone says he is, maybe there’s hope for me. Maybe I can make it up somehow.”

           “You have, you have made it up, just come back.”

           “And anyone can see how happy he and Geno are together, how much they love each other. And I thought, if Geno can forgive Sid then it wasn’t crazy to believe you’d forgive me. But it turns out there was nothing to forgive, cause Sid never did anything wrong. There’s no redemption, nothing can ever fix it, or take back what I did.”

          “You don’t have to, it’s ok. I promise I forgive you.”

          “I don’t deserve this, you and Nicole, the kids. It’s all built on a lie. I shouldn’t have it.” He steps forward balancing at the very edge of the cliff.

           Anže’s fear and Dustin’s despair swirl together into a howling panicked anger, “Bullshit you can’t. You’re really going to do this to me? I fucking bonded to you, asshole, what do you think is going to happen to me? You think I’m going survive feeling you die? And you’re gonna make me watch, so I can add the guilt of not stopping you on top of my broken bond? Is that what you want for me? You said you’d take care of me. You promised.”

          The moment snaps and Dustin stumbles backward, away from the edge finally. “Sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t think. I’m sorry,”

          “You fucking better be.” Anže might be crying, but if anyone asks it’s just sea spray.

\--

2002

          Guelph is not as advertised, well, that’s not true. It’s exactly as advertised, except the advertiser glossed over some relevant details, like the coach being kind of dick and lots of a moron. Apparently more bonds are going to be the answer to Guelph’s abysmal losing streak, and if you want the ice time to get scouting attention you better pick up a bond. And it’s stupid. Dustin’s still playing as the spare wing, and Anže is sitting on the bench. What was point of making them bond if you aren’t even going to use it? And when they are on the ice together, Anže is shuffled to wing and Dustin is supposed to play center, even though Anže is a natural center, and he would be so good as Dustin’s center. They don’t argue it though, you don’t argue with the coach if you want to play.

          They’re living with one of Dustin’s older teammates, Peter, and his bond partner, Fedor. Anže hears that Dustin used to live with a billet family, but they said they couldn’t take the extra person after he bonded. Peter offered apparently, they’ve been linemates on and off for two years, Dustin playing the spare wing on Peter and Fedor’s line when couch is amiable to it, though this is their last year in the OHL. They’ve gotten too old and even though Fedor is brilliant on skates it’s pretty clear Peter struggles to keep up. Dustin is awkward around them for a bit, the low hum of discomfort that constantly emanates from Dustin more pronounced for the first month of their stay.  It makes Anže awkward too, unsure if there’s something to be wary of or if it’s just Dustin’s personality.

           There is a sort of tension in the apartment. Peter spends most of the day in the living room watching trashy soaps and Fedor sits in the kitchen with battered paperback Russian novels, and when they all go out with the team they both drink too much and laugh too loud. There is an unspoken agreement that you don’t get involved in another person’s bond. So even though Fedor is looking more worn down every day, getting quieter and shrinking away little by little no one says anything. Well, Anže doesn’t actually know what the Russian say to each other, but if they do talk about it they never talk to anyone else about it. Anže gets it, he stays quiet about all the time he sees Peter reaching to touch Fedor and pulling his hand back under Fedor’s quiet gaze. It isn’t his bond so he doesn’t ask questions, doesn’t talk about it.  Dustin and Anže tiptoe around them, mostly hiding in their room where they sit in shared silence.

           It isn’t just the living situation, there’s something else to the constancy of the feeling. It’s like Dustin is never quite comfortable with himself. In the locker room it buzzes annoyingly behind everything, picking up intensity when attention is drawn to him. It takes a while for Anže to figure it out. He isn’t familiar enough with English to pick out the nuances of pronunciation, but he thinks there might be something wrong with the way Dustin speaks. It’s in the spike of anxiety when he has to talk, in the smirks and only partially hidden laughter from their teammates, and in the way shame curls inside Dustin and Anže can’t help but feel it. Dustin pulls back, pulls away from people and holds himself apart, stays quiet even when the desire to say something burns so strong even Anže can feel it. Anže sort of wishes actual telepathy was a thing with bonds, because if he just knew what Dustin wants to say he would say it for him. He would be Dustin’s voice if Dustin could just give him his words.

        Anže doesn’t fare better, he came to Canada speaking three languages none of which are any use to him at all. The other Supports on the team circle around each other, speaking with the soft round vowels of Russian. Max says it all sounds the same but Anže can hear nothing of Slovenia in their words. They don’t exclude Anže, not purposely and Fedor takes care to always check that Anže is adjusting or whatever, stumbling over their barely in common English, but still Anže can’t really be part of their circle and finds himself gravitating to Dustin more and more. They build a world inside their room that exists just for them. Dustin starts talking more when it’s just them, slowly explaining the rules for American football to Anže as they watch all the Giants games they can. Anže listens quietly his head resting on Dustin shoulder, bathing in the closeness. A month into the season Dustin buys Anže a dvd set of this truly terrible Slovenian soap opera from a shady looking store in Toronto. They start watching it together and Dustin listens carefully as Anže explains each scene.

           

\--

2013

          Mike calls the day before the team returns to LA, “Ok, I got an awkward question.”

          “Ok?” Anže answers warely.

          “I’m supposed to a thing for PR tomorrow and after they ask about Jeff for the millionth time, they’re probably gonna want me to talk about you. Is that cool?”

          “You can’t really help what they ask.”

          “Yeah, but I know how to no comment my way out of a question.”

          “No, it’s fine, you can say whatever you want.” Anže can just imagine how a no comment would go over. There are enough rumors circulating right now he doesn’t need to add speculation on why Mike is ducking questions. That turns out to be a mistake, though that is more because the interview manages to piss Mike off than because Anže gave him free reign.

           Anže wasn’t planning on listening to the interview; it’s still weird listening to his teammates talk about him. Besides there usually isn’t any reason to and he trusts that Mike isn’t going to say anything mean or stupid. The interview is only half over when Jeff calls hesitant and apologetic saying Anže and Dustin should probably listen so they know what’s coming. Dustin is at a school thing with Nicole so Anže pulls up the live feed himself, starting at the beginning. Mike was right they do spend the first ten minutes making him talk about his fairytale bonding with Jeff, again, like they do every time. Then as predicted the questions move on to Anže and Dustin, and at first Mike is easy with it, talking about how Anže is apparently the best guy he’s ever played with, easily the best scorer on the team, and god it’s embarrassing to be listening to. The reporter keeps asking these pointed questions about the locker dynamics, about how Mike feels about asymmetrical bonds and Anže can see him getting edgier, warier with each question, until finally he breaks, “Look are trying ask me how I feel about asymmetrical bonds or asking about how I feel about Brownie, cause if that is what you want to know, just ask instead trying to get me to **k up.”

          “I wasn’t speaking of anyone in particular,” the flustered reporter starts, but Mike isn’t really the type to back down or out.

          “No, let’s do this. I think asymmetrical bonds are awful, they hurt everyone. I think Kopi could have been an elite goal scorer, I think if he wasn’t held back by our conception of how a Support should play he would be up with Giroux and Perry in points and goals. I think Brownie could’ve been the most effective checker in the league. No one on our team was surprised by his hit on Sedin last year, he could do that every night, but playing like that has physical consequences and if he gets hurt so does Kopi, so he doesn’t play the way he could, the way he was meant to. This system made both of them half the player they should be.” The phone starts ringing not even half way through Mike’s rant, and Dustin’s comment on Anže being a better player might have blown over eventually, just another notch in the wasted support talent belt, but Mike’s is probably going to take a little longer. Anže doesn’t think anyone’s ever talked about what it cost Stars. Most people don’t think it costs them anything.

 

\--

2022

          They’re playing a home game against the Pens when the silence that’s been beating in Anže’s veins breaks. Malkin’s back on the ice, it was all over the news when he announced that though he had planned to retire, he doesn’t feel ready yet. Lemieux looks smug in the background and Anže bets he’s the one who convinced Malkin he didn’t need Crosby to keep playing. Anže had watched his interviews, watched him talk about his fake bond and real bond with a numbing disinterest. Dustin’s completely blocked him out after he tried to jump of a cliff, so Anže doesn’t know what he feels anymore. Anže’s spent so much of his life basing his reaction on Dustin that he doesn’t really know how to feel without it.

        Then he’s faced with the man himself, Evgeni Malkin, staring at him across the face-off dot. Anže doesn’t really remember what preceded the fight. Malkin might have said something, a chirp to throw him off or maybe just a grunt of acknowledgment, or maybe nothing. It doesn’t really matter because he doesn’t drop his gloves over on ice bullshit. He’s dropping them because the world has turned red with Anže’s anger, it’s the first emotion in twenty years that belongs only to him and it’s overwhelming. He doesn’t wait for the puck to drop before his stick and gloves are on the ground and he’s shoving Malkin over screaming as the refs waste no time dragging him off, “I thought you were one of us! I thought you understood! I let you speak for me! For twenty fucking years I let you speak for me! You fucking liar!”

          Unsurprisingly Anže gets a thrown out with a game misconduct, pending a suspension. Dustin finds him in the hallway leading to the locker room. He wastes no time pulling Anže down into a hug, sending waves of calm and comfort through the bond. It makes Anže sick, it’s invasive and controlling and it isn’t his. For the first time in his life he tries to close their bond, to push Dustin out. “Stop.”

          Dustin does, his hands freezing on Anže’s back, the feelings dropping away as quickly as they appeared. It’s instinct, decades of leaning on Dustin for comfort that has Anže tightening grip chasing the feeling he wanted gone seconds ago.

         “Anže?” Dustin asks his hands carefully moving again, though Dustin’s mind is once more cut-off from him.

         “Hočem ustaviti” Anže whispers “I want to be just me again.”

         “Anything, Anže, anything you want.”

\--

2003

          Anže knows most of the other Supports are failing at least a few classes. They’re all in the ESL program but between travel and practice and caring for the Stars they don’t always commit to school work the way they probably should. They don’t get much help from the school either. There’s this sort of understanding that they’re just here for hockey so they get their C- when they should be getting Fs. It’s not limited to the Supports either, Anže’s seen Max’s test scores and there is no way he legitimately passing History. Honestly Anže was kind of fine with it, there’s no question in his mind that he and Dustin will be drafted, probably in the first round. Since the coach was fired they starting playing together more and they’re leading the team in just about everything. Anže doesn’t need school he’s going to be a hockey player.

          Dustin is not okay with it when he finds one of Anže’s completely bombed English tests. He says something about expectations, and promises and how it’s supposed to be. Which Anže kind of tunes out. It’s just a test, Anže’s actually getting really good at conversational English, thanks, he’s even beginning to pick-up some Russian. Dustin shakes his head at Anže’s dismissive shrug but surprisingly that isn’t the end of it. Dustin actually tries to fix things. He talks. He talks to the teachers, the principal, the coach, even other Stars on the team. Anže didn’t think he could talk that much.

          It doesn’t change anything though. No one really cares if a couple Supports are technically flunking out of school. They aren’t actually flunking, and it’s like they’re really citizens who need to be educated. Either they play hockey or they go home, you don’t need calculus for either of those. So Dustin just focuses on Anže instead.  He makes them do their homework together and checks over Anže’s work when he’s done. He’s careful with it, won’t let Anže be until he’s sure Anže understand, until Anže can explain back to him why his answer is right. It’s incredibly annoying and there’s a lot of sighing and eye rolling and ‘why does it mattering’ on Anže part, but then he gets his first A and two months later the ESL teacher asks to see him after class and says he thinks Anže could be ready to join the regular students next year. That’s pretty awesome actually. Dustin grins wide and open when Anže tells him.

          “I knew you could do it. You’re so smart Anže.”

           And that feels even better.

\--

2013

          Anže laces up for the game on Tuesday. He’s been dodging reporters and waiting for someone from the Kings organization to tell him what to say, but all he gets is a ‘you think I care about this shit’ shrug from Sutter and a ‘you can say whatever you’re comfortable with’ from Lombardi.  The local media knows to go to Anže instead of Dustin for post-game interviews, they’ve been well trained by years of Dustin ducking behind Anže’s broad shoulders. So Anže is left staring down a bunch of cameras and microphones while reporters ask if there’s any validity to Mike’s statement. If Anže thinks they’re right and he should be getting more recognition. If he thinks Dustin is holding back because of their bond. There are a lot of questions that all distill down to the same point: “what do you think about your bond?”

          Anže has been thinking of responses for days and he hasn’t come up anything yet, and the moment is here. “I don’t know,” it’s about the truest thing Anže can say. “I don’t know, maybe we would be better without each other, but it’s impossible to say. I’ve been playing with Dustin for ten years, it’s shaped the way my game is, and I play a good game. Dustin is my best friend. I can’t say for sure I would even be here without him. So I don’t know if Mike is right. I don’t know.”

          There are follow up questions but all Anže can think to say is, “I don’t know” over and over. Crosby is disappointed in him. It’s surreal to have Crosby disappointed in you. He gets it, a little, Crosby still runs into a lot of resistance, even if most people are slowly coming to his side. It would probably would have been nice to have Anže voice with him, but for all of Anže’s talent in acquiring language he’s never been able to put it to much use. He didn’t mean that the bond was good because it was asymmetrical, but it’s complicated.  It’s complicated to Anže anyways and he can’t seem to express that with the same eloquence that Crosby has. It’s probably better this way, to let someone who isn’t going to mess up the words do the speaking.

\--

2022

           They find a bond clinic in LA. They don’t usually deal with asymmetrical bonds, but the procedure to break a bond is basically the same regardless of its nature. They have to fill out a questionnaire about the bond. It full of embarrassing questions like ‘how often do you have intercourse with your partner’ and Anže is really happy he can check never on that one. They meet with the counselor Anže’s going to be seeing after the bond is dissolved. Her name is Dr. Tagert, but call her Jenny. She’s young, with the kind of sweet face that makes Anže feel like he could tell her anything. So it’s a good thing he’s supposed to. They go over their questionnaire and Anže can’t tell what she thinks about it as her voice remains neutral throughout.

           “Alright,” She smiles after they’ve gone over their life histories. “The last thing we need to work out is where Anže’s going to be staying during these first few months.”

           “Why can’t he stay with us?” Dustin asks immediately.

           “Well, breaking a bond is a very traumatic experience,” Jenny answers gently. “Anže’s going to need a lot help and a lot of patience from his support system. You said you had young children and I know some people don’t feel comfortable exposing their children to the kind of side effects Anže’s going to go through. If that’s going to be an issue we really need discuss it now, before we break the bond. Once he’s started the process a shift in environment, particularly if coupled with feelings of rejection or abandonment could be deadly.”

          “Anže’s family, I want him to stay with us. I’ll talk to the kids about it, I don’t care. Anže should stay with us.” Dustin insists.

          “Ok,” Jenny soothes, “let’s see what Anže wants?” Jenny shifts her attention to Anže. Anže kind of wants to back out. It sounds like life without Dustin is going to be pretty much awful and he doesn’t have to do this, except for all the ways he does. They don’t play together anymore, there’s no reason for Anže to still be attached. The week without Dustin in his mind was awful for a lot of reasons, but mostly because Anže hadn’t realized until then how much of himself he’d lost inside Dustin. He doesn’t want anger to be the only thing he feels for himself. He doesn’t want bring that into Dustin’s home for the rest of their life.

          “I shouldn’t, I don’t want to fuck up the kids.”Anže answers.

          “You won’t. I’ll explain it to them. I can’t—“ Dustin stops, looks down at this hands and starts again. “I don’t want my kids to think you’re expendable, that people are expendable and they can just leave when it gets rough. You’re part of our family Anže, I’m not going to abandon you just because things might be hard. Please stay with us. After you get better you can decide what you want to do, but let me be here for you, as long as you need me.”

          It’s a hard to argue that, and Anže isn’t practiced in denying Dustin, so he nods and lets Dustin entwine their fingers.

          “Thanks,” Dustin squeezes Anže’s hand.

          “Ok,” Jenny smiles, “if you’re both sure, I think that settles everything. Anže’s going to need to come in everyday for the first week, and we’ll adjust from there as we go. You’ll both have my number as the first contact in your phone and I recommend you make sure the rest of your family has it as well. Please don’t be afraid to call for any reason. My job is to be available to you to help you both through this process. If you don’t have any more questions, you can schedule the breaking session with Trevor at the front desk.”

          Dustin doesn’t let go of Anže’s hand as they walk down the hall, just holds on, warm and comforting and Anže thinks maybe everything really will be ok.

           


End file.
